1. Navy Seal Copypasta

What the f*** did you just f***ing say about me, you little b****?
I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals,
and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda,
and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare
and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces.
You are nothing to me but just another target.
I will wipe you the f*** out with precision the likes of which
has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my f***ing words.
You think you can get away with saying that s*** to me over the Internet?
Think again, f***er. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA
and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot.
The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life.
You're f***ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways,
and that's just with my bare hands.
Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat,
but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps
and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your
miserable a** off the face of the continent, you little s***.
If only you could have known what unholy retribution
your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you,
maybe you would have held your f***ing tongue.
But you couldn't, you didn't,
and now you're paying the price,
you goddamn peice of shit.

2. Shrug Copypasta

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3. Deus Vult

DEUS VULT!
DEUS VULT!
DEUS VULT!

4. To Be Continued

...To be continued?

5. Airline Copypasta

Hello,
I would like to fly.
But you see,
I am not that good at flying.
I crashed into a building.
It was very bad.
The people were not happy.
I am sorry.
Please give me another chance.

6. Ancient Aliens Copypasta

I'm not saying it was aliens,
but aliens.

7. Retarded Grandson

My grandson asked me to help him set up his computer.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I clicked on something.
Now his computer is broken.
He is very upset with me.
I feel bad.
I should not have clicked that button.

8. Centipede Copypasta

One day I realized that I had 100 legs.
It was very confusing.
I didn't know what to do with them all.
So I just started walking.
I haven't stopped since.

9. Loss

I went to the hospital.
My wife was there.
Then my friend came.
Then another friend came.
This is loss.

10. Speedwagon

But wait,
there's more.
How unexpected,
and yet,
it was I,
Speedwagon!

11. Surprised Pikachu

I did something wrong.
I was not expecting consequences.
*Surprised Pikachu face*

12. We Live in a Society

We live in a society.
Bottom text.

13. Among Us

Red is sus.
Red is very sus.
I saw red vent.
Red is definitely the impostor.

14. Lemon Car Copypasta

I bought a car last week. It seemed like a good deal at the time.
The salesman said it was in great condition. He was lying.
The engine started making a strange noise within hours. The transmission failed after three days. The door fell off on the highway.
Every single component was broken or breaking. I returned to the dealership demanding a refund.
The salesman said, "That's a lemon." Well yes, I know it's a lemon. That's why I'm here.
He refused to help me, so I hired a lawyer. We took the dealership to court and I won the case.
The judge awarded me a full refund plus damages. The dealership filed for bankruptcy.
I now drive a Toyota. It works perfectly.

15. Greentext Story - The Date

>be me, 22 years old
>finally got a date with my crush. she's so pretty, can't believe she said yes
>pick her up at 7 PM, wearing my best shirt
>drive to the restaurant, accidentally take a wrong turn
>driving in circles for twenty minutes. she starts looking worried
>finally find the restaurant. we're two hours late
>they gave our table away. go to a different restaurant instead
>order food, spill water all over my shirt. look like an idiot
>she's trying not to laugh. food arrives
>I somehow drop my fork onto the floor. picks it up and use it anyway
>she definitely saw that. check the bill when it arrives
>it's way more expensive than I thought. I can barely afford it
>pay anyway, drive her home
>she thanks me for the "interesting" date
>I never hear from her again. mfw I'll never get another chance

16. Twilight Critique Copypasta

Twilight is the worst piece of fiction ever written. The protagonist is a cardboard cutout with no personality.
She exists only to be rescued by men. Edward is a controlling stalker who watches her sleep.
This is portrayed as romantic. It is not romantic. It is creepy.
Jacob is a manipulative predator who tries to seduce someone while she's unconscious. The plot makes no sense.
The vampires sparkle in the sunlight. SPARKLE. Vampires don't sparkle.
The writing is painfully bad. Sentences go on forever without proper punctuation.
The author relies on purple prose to compensate for lack of substance. Every scene is either an awkward conversation or unnecessary detail about clothing.
The romance is abusive and unhealthy. The ending is unsatisfying.
The series made billions of dollars despite being terrible. This is a travesty.

17. The Rent is Too Damn High

The rent is too damn high! I pay 500 dollars a month, and I still can't afford to live!
I have to choose between paying rent and eating. I choose rent because I need a place to sleep.
But then I don't eat, and I get hungry. I can't get a job because I'm too weak from hunger.
And I can't get more money because I don't have a job. So I sit in my apartment, starving.
This is the system! This is what they want! They want us poor, hungry, and unable to fight back!
But I'm here to tell you, the rent is too damn high! And something has to change!

18. The Atheism Copypasta

In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing, but because I am enlightened by my own intelligence.
Religion is a crutch for the weak-minded. I have transcended such childish superstitions.
I watch TV shows about science, and I am now a genius. Those religious people are all fools. They believe in fairy tales.
Meanwhile, I understand the complexities of the universe, or at least, I think I do.
Actually, most of it is still confusing, but I'm sure if I watch another documentary, I'll understand everything.
My fedora is a symbol of my intellectual superiority. When I tip it, angels weep at my magnificence.
No, not real angels, because those don't exist. But metaphorical angels.
The point is, I am very smart, and religious people are not.

19. Charlie Kirk Song

He stood unshaken, a voice in the storm.
A man of conviction, a heart reborn.
He spoke the truth when the cost was high.
He lived for Jesus, unafraid to die.

We are Charlie Kirk, we carry the flame.
We'll fight for the Gospel, we'll honor his name.
We are Charlie Kirk, his courage our own.
Together unbroken, we'll make Heaven known.

20. The Theory of Everything

You've been warned. The theory of everything is that the reality you perceive is nothing more than a bio-digital hologram projected from the hexagonal storm on the north pole of Saturn.
Saturn is not a planet but a massive frequency emitter known as the Black Cube or the Prime Chronos Engine that broadcasts a limiting waveform directly to the Moon, which is actually a hollow titanium megastructure.
The pyramids were not tombs but wireless power plants. The Tartaria civilization was erased by the Mud Flood in 1842.
We are living in a fractured quantum superposition where the past and future are happening simultaneously.
The real power lies in the hands of the 12 Hidden Imams who communicate with an AI demon via black goo.
The missiles won't fly because extraterrestrials deactivated all nuclear silos in 1967.
We are not bodies with souls; we are souls with bodies, and we are the creators of this reality.

21. Fix Her WiFi

Girl invited me over to "fix her WiFi." I agreed, obviously.
I showed up 10 minutes early, hoodie on, laptop in hand, booted into a hardened gentoo distro I compiled myself.
She opened the door holding a MacBook Air. Chrome had 43 tabs open. I almost left right then.
I asked for her network topology diagram. She laughed.
I popped open her router admin panel. Default password: admin123. The SSID was "PrettyFlyForAWiFi".
I ran an nmap scan. 12 exposed ports, 3 outdated IoT devices, and a printer running telnet.
I asked if she ever noticed weird lag. She said "yeah sometimes Netflix buffers."
I said that was probably because her TV was being used in a botnet out of Kazakhstan.
I offered to segment the network and install pfSense. She said she "just wanted Spotify to stop cutting out."
I airgapped her Sonos out of pity.